Potty Training Alex

It began with an article I found, "Potty Training in One Day" and we followed that up with the one book I always swore I would never buy, "Everybody Poops". In the days leading up to the big day, we tried talking to Alex about it. He had #1 mastered for many months; our trouble now was getting him trained for #2. Here's how it went.

Mommy: Alex, we need to talk. Tomorrow is going to be a very big day for you.

Alex: Uh-huh.

Mommy: Alex, would you like to not to wear pullups anymore, not like your little baby brothers do?

Alex: OK.

Mommy: You're a big boy now, and you need to learn to not poop in your diapers anymore.

Alex: OK, mommy.

Mommy: Did you know that everyone poops?

Alex: Uh-huh.

Mommy: And grown up boys poop in the potty!

Alex: Yeah.

Mommy: Andrew poops and Austin poops, but they poop in their diapers, and they're babies, and that's OK for babies.

Alex: OK.

Mommy: But you're not a baby, you're a big boy, so you need to not poop in your pants. OK?

Alex: Uh-huh.

Mommy: You need to put your poopies in the toilet, like grown up people, coz everyone poops. Mommy poops, Daddy poops...

Alex: Daddy poops!

Mommy: Yes, Alex, Daddy poops...everyone poops!

Alex: And farts.

Mommy: Well, yes.

Alex: Daddy farts.

Mommy: Well, yes, Daddy farts, but this is not about farting. This is about pooping.

Alex: Mommy? Daddy farts a lot.

Mommy: Uh-huh, OK, Daddy farts a lot...

Alex: And loud. Daddy farts loud, mommy.

Mommy: (Trying not to laugh) Alex, pay attention, we're not talking about farting, we're talking about pooping.

Alex: Daddy farts loud and he farts lots of times, mommy.

Mommy: (Trying not to laugh)...mmhh, OK, I know that, but I need you to put on your listening ears and pay attention. We need to talk about pooping right now. Not farting.

Alex: Daddy farts every day, mommy, sometimes bunches and bunches of times every day.

Mommy: (Trying very hard not to laugh): Alex, now listen...

Alex: Austin farts and Andrew farts, too.

Mommy: (About to bust out laughing now) Yes, they do, but Alex, pay attention.

Alex: Mommy? Mommy? I will fart! I will fart like Daddy and Austin and Andrew fart! I will fart loud! I will fart loud like this (stands up very, very, ramrod straight, arms at each side, eyes wide open, and he opens his mouth, wide, very wide, to where you can see his tonsils and screams, oh, so very loudly: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Mommy: Oh, Lord. (Gives up....starting laughing)

Alex: (Stands up very straight, very erect and at attention).
"Mommy, I will fart LOUD and everyone will say, (he leans forward and to one side, cocks his head and cups his hand around his ear, like he's listening for something, his eyes darting about, and says), "everyone will say, what was dat noise?"

Mommy: (Tears... laugh....) Pete, help me!

Alex: "And I will say...." looking very sweetly, very innocently at mommy and daddy, Alex says, loudly: "And I will say, "it was THE FART MAN!"

Mommy and Daddy: tears, rolling, falling on the floor with laughter, can't stand up, can't breathe, can't stop laughing.

Alex: sweetly, innocently, "Mommy, Daddy, what's da matter?"